FRENCH JOKES ( From a Variety of Sources...: )
Special thanks to Greg Stout, Thompson's Station, Tennessee; Kevin Thurman, Tigard, Oregon; Todd Bross, Sharon, Pennsylvania; Adam Wesoloski, Pulaski, Wisconsin; Mick Yanke, Dassel-Cokato High School, Minnesota; MikeKent ,Cornwall, England; Jim Kuhn, Greeley, Colorado; Mike Foristiere, Boise, Idaho; Marvin Garcia, Albuquerque, New Mexico... Mark Honey, Houston, Texas... Mark Rice, Beaver, Pennsylvania... Joey Scarbrough, Hopewell, Virginia... Akis Kourtzidis- Brea, California...
(EXCUSE THE DUPLICATES)
3-23
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed, middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" A French woman, she looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up,
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
3-18
US Traveler's Advisory: France
The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General Overview
> ****************
> France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the
> continent of Europe, and is for all intents and purposes
> fucking useless. It is an important member of the world
> community, although not nearly as important as it thinks.
> It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller
> nations of no particular consequence or shopping opportunities.
> France is a very old country with many treasures such as the
> Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western
> civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine,
> and body odor. Although France likes to think of itself as a
> modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next
> to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing
> exasperation for American visitors is that the people will-
> fully persist in speaking French, although many will speak
> English if shouted at repeatedly.
The People
> **********
> France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom
> drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are danger-
> ously oversexed and have no concept of standing patiently in
> a line. The French people are generally gloomy, temperamental,
> proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good
> points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, although you'd
> hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are Communists
> and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls'
> names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out
> medals. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and
> to wear baseball caps and colorful pants for easier mutual
> recognition. All French women have small tits, and don't shave
> their armpits or their legs.
Safety
> ******
> In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers
> are advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany.
> By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and,
> apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased
> difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices,
> life for the visitors generally goes on much as before. A tunnel
> connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has
> been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French
> government to flee to London in case of war against anybody.
History
> *******
> France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other
> important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots,
> Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was
> President for many years and is now an airport. The French
> armies of the past have had their asses kicked by just about
> every other country in the world.
Government
> **********
> The French form of government is democratic but noisy.
>Elections are held more or less continuously and always result
> in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided
> into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, cantons,
> communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament
> consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although, con-
> fusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members
> are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be
> trusted. Parliament's principal pre-occupations are setting
> off atomic bombs in the South Pacific and acting indignant
> when anyone complains. According to the most current State
> Department intelligence, the current President is someone named
> Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
Culture
> *******
> The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is
> not easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and
> they have hardly ever made a movie that you want to watch for
> anything except the nude scenes. Nothing, of course, is more
> boring than a French novel (except perhaps an evening with a
> French family.)
Cuisine
> *******
> Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail
> is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the
> other hand, are excellent although it is impossible for most
> Americans to pronounce this word. American travellers are
>therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the
> restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton or Holiday
> Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are
>nothing but a poor excuse for such.
Economy
> *******
> France has a large and diversified economy, second only to
> Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people
> hardly ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours
> dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads
> with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports,
> in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear
> weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber
> weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft,
> miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Conclusion
> **********
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied land- scape and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Spain. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our vacation in Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same.
Regards,
George W. Bush
President, United States of America
3-17: (Not exactly humorous, but...)
SEVERE EARTHQUAKE IN FRANCE
March 4, 2003. Today it was reported that a severe earthquake has occurred in 10 different locations in France. The severity was measured in excess of 10 on the Richter Scale.
The cause was the 56,681 dead American soldiers buried in French soil rolling over in their graves. According to the American Battle Monuments Commission there are 26,255 Yankee dead from World War I buried in 4 cemeteries in France. There are 30,426 American dead from World War II buried in 6 cemeteries in France. These 56,681 brave American heroes died in their youth to liberate a country which is guilty of shameful unspeakable behavior in the 21st century. May the United States of America never forget their sacrifice as we find ways to forcefully deal with the Godforsaken unappreciative, forgetful country of France!
3-16
Going to war without the French is like....
* Deja-vous!;
* Going to war WITH the French
* Boarding a submarine without a parachute
* Taking a shower without the blow dryer
* Planning the Normandy Invasion without Yves San Laurent
* A White House press conference without Helen Thomas
* Holding Thermopylae without goat herds
* Going on your honeymoon without your mother-in-law
* Going on your honeymoon without your father-in-law a beauty contest
without Ivan Rasputin
* Going to a Susan Sarandon movie without earplugs
* A Rolling Stones concert without Bill Clinton's remarks
* A 9-11 benefit concert without Hillary Clinton
* Going into the ninth inning without your place-kicker
* Government schools without the NEA
* Negotiating without Jimmy Carter
* Going to a restaurant without the condescending gender-disoriented maitre d'
* Not having to worry about the enemy doing an end-run around your eastern flank
* A picnic without ants and flies
* Starting a ballgame without Roseanne Barr
* Texas barbecue without a croissant
* Going to the Moulin Rouge without Rosie O'Donnell
* Flying without an anchor
* I'm sorry, war without whom?
* Going to Marine boot camp without a "Best of Liza Minnelli" album;
* Going to A MENSA convention without James Carville
* Going to war without Fonda, Streisand and Sarandon, et al;
* "Hallowed ground" without Geraldo
* Childbirth without Muzak
* An American Conservative Union meeting without the "Communist Manifesto"
* A bachelor party without Barney Frank
* Going to a sports bar without Phil Donahue
* Preferable
* Going to the mall without your husband
* Going to France without a war -- what's the point
* A Super Bowl party without pate fois-gras;
* A risky scheme. (Albert Gore)
* Who forgot the whine and stinky cheese
* A starting lineup without Pee Wee Herman
* Eating Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, snails, and Spam without the snails
* Going to hell and back without the flowery hand-basket
* Military History!
* Going to the dentist without cavities
* Going to Tahiti without your snowshoes
* Well, VICTORY!!!
ADDED 3-7
Majority Leader Tom DeLay.... "I was at a celebration of India's Independence Day," Delay remarked recently, "and a Frenchman came walking up to me and started talking to me about Iraq, and it was obvious we were not going to agree. And I said, 'Wait a minute. Do you speak German?' And he looked at me kind of funny and said, 'No, I don't speak German.' And I said, 'You're welcome,' turned around and walked off."
ADDED 3-6
France announced today that it plans to permanently ban fireworks at EuroDisney following last night's fireworks display that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"--Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."--Rush Limbaugh
ADDED 3-3
Something to ponder:
You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever. France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As the President, you must decide: Do you stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live, or tape it and watch it in the morning?
ADDED 2-28
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France surrenders?"
God bless France. She's always there when she needs us.
One of the good things you can say about the Germans is that they have killed a lot of Frenchmen.
ADDED 2-27
Lots of French jokes, courtesy of The Sun newspaper, England
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
Nobody knows because they never tried it.
The French have just ordered a new flag design.
It's a white cross on a white background.
Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
So the Germans could march in the shade.
Where do you find 60 million French jokes?>
In France.
What is the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
You can make soldiers out of toast.
What's the definition of confusion?
Father's Day in Paris.
What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
To say "I surrender" in German.
Why was Jesus not born in France?
Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
What do you call a good-looking woman in France?
A tourist.
What is a Frenchman's idea of safe sex?
Marking the cows that kick.
How many gears in a French tank?
Six, five reverse and one forward in case they are attacked from behind.
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The Army.
How did the French advertise surplus World War II rifles?
"Never fired, only dropped once".
Why might the French send troops to the Gulf?
To teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
A Frenchwoman is in a bar with a parrot. The barman says: "That's an ugly bird. Where did you get it?" The parrot says: "France, there's millions of 'em!"
Why do Frencmen have moustaches?
To look like their mothers.
A frenchman was banned from practising medicine for having sex with his patients.
It was a shame - he was the best vet in town.
What is a Frenchman with sheep and a goat under each arm?
Bisexual.
Why does the new French Navy use glass-bottomed boats?
To miss the old French Navy.
ADDED 2-25 The 2006 World Cup ( can't bear the wait ) will be played in Germany. Will the French even be able to find their way? They have never actually advanced into Germany. Solution, the Americans can pick them up on our way through, we've made the trip twice.
Coach, For the latest in poking fun at the French, check out www.francestinks.com (and its sister site germanystinks.com). Click on les jokes and have fun. Greg Stout, Thompson's Station, Tennessee
"Some members of Congress are so upset with this thing with France that they want to impose trade sanctions against French products. They want to ban French products like Evian. And you thought Hollywood celebrities were against the war before....!"
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!" ---Jay Leno
Q: What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A: "Table for 100,000 m'sieur?"
How many Frenchman does it take to defend Paris? -Don't know, it's never been tried.
Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama? - So the French can show them how to surrender.
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? -The French Army.
Why are the French so afraid of war? -You would be too if you never won one in your history.
A Frenchwoman with a old parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. The barman says "That's a real ugly bird there. Where did you get it?" -The parrot says "I got it in France ... There's millions of 'em there"
Hear about the library that burned down in Paris? - Destroyed their entire collection and they hadn't even finished coloring in the pages yet....
5 GOOD REASONS TO BE FRENCH-
* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
* Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.
* You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
* If there's a war you can surrender really early.
* You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
A French zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem - she was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumoured, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."
Coach, In response to your request (disclaimer : this was seen in a forum and is NOT attributal to moi*
Seen in the classifieds: "For sale. Authentic French army rifle. Near mint condition - only dropped once." Todd Bross, Sharon, Pennsylvania
Coach, Whaddya mean the jokes are back? We've been telling French jokes all my life.
For sale: Mint condition French rifle. Never fired, only dropped once.
The only problem with France is that there are French people there.
Next time Germany takes Paris, we're going to make them keep it.
The French have only notched 1 significant military victory - the French Revolution, mostly due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
There was a debate in the 90's over what the capital of reunified Germany should be. My father suggested Paris.
Why are there trees on the Champs Elysees? So the Germans can march in the shade.
The U.S.A. can beat French exports any day - California wine, Wisconsin cheese and New York City arrogance.